resentment

[family and friends this is not directed to anyone in particular. anyone who writes knows that sometimes things come from the heart that not everyone is going to like. some are not going to like this poem. i hope that no one takes it too personally. although those that do just prove the negative parts of this poem right. i share the things that i know may not sit well with others because like it or not it is a part of me.]

you call it love, well i call 'em lies

you've no idea what the word love implies

you may say you love me, but i'm hardly what i seem

this doesn't come from a lack of self esteem

i bet that you won't read this 'cause you don't know i write

i bet you think i'm envious of what you call the light

oh and by the way i tried to end my life

but you wouldn't know that 'cause you're too focused on your wife

i understand, just do what makes you smile

just don't say you love me and then treat me like a child

don't say you love me, when you don't know my dreams

lets not listen to hear-say, 'cause its not as it seems

you say that you love me, but you don't have a clue

and if i apply these same rules, how can i say that i love you

i don't call to check on you, be you live or dead

but i stand by all the things that have been said

i preach peace, but dont know what its like

to lay my head down knowing everythings alright

you call it love, well i call 'em lies

you've no idea what the word love implies

i'm a good actress so you wouldn't know

that when i smile its all just a show

family's a joke, that's what i've learned

when you slander their name then they're concerned

love is a verb, it's something you do

all of you reading this know that it's true

i'm not asking for sympathy, lets just be real

you could really give less than a damn how i feel

these years

surrounded by strangers and i'm all alone

searching for someone that i can call home

reaching for comforts that i can't afford

they ask me what's wrong, i just tell them bored

'cause how can i say that i'm one step from tears

haunted and chastised by my daunting fears

on the tip of my tongue are the things that i need

but from onlooking eyes it seems more like greed

a need to be loved and have some sort of peace

but instead i turn to the cheapest release

but no one has time to take me along

down the path of healing, to where i belong

they'd rather believe that my smile is not fake

than to invest all the time that my healing would take

but who can i blame when nothing is owed

i play only the cards that i was bestowed

the uppers take me down, with downers i go up

sooner or later my soul will erupt

and only a trace will be left of my heart

and that is saddest and loneliest part

but there's no one to blame and so i do not

i am doing my best but thats not enough

what can i say besides, life is tough

-sn:don't worry, i'm not on drugs

without knowledge

so like...

without knowledge ignorant boys become ignorant men
who have ignorant kids who commit ignorant sins
because without knowledge ignorance wins
and in the ways of conformity ignorance blends
and at the downfall of society ignorance grins
the absence of knowledge begets the absence of strength
and the absence of that begets the prescence of grief
but where can we go absent of belief
absent of love, tolerance, and hope
we're running up a downhill slope
love is a chair but hate is the rope
kick it away then gasp 'til you choke
what to do with this suicidal society
without knowledge we'll crumble entirely
and know the true meaning of chaos and poverty

surreal reality

so like...

eyes wide shut; dreaming awake
living a life that's proved to be fake
walking a path that doesn't exist
fighting off demons that do not resist
feeding off fire, walking on air
comparing a life that cannot compare
leading a world that cannot be lead
saying in silence what cannont be said
flying with fish; swimming with birds
screaming so loud it cannot be heard
saving a princess and winning her love
begging for help from those up above
losing my prince and losing a shoe
stuck to belief and morals like glue
flying my ship beyond the stars
sailing my plane farther than mars
a leap of faith on an ounce of hope
feeling the pain but learning to cope
taking on tyrants while leading crusades
curing it all from cancer to AIDS
healing a heart too many times torn
in love with children yet to be born
love at first sight and second and third
whispering secrets that shouldn't be heard
im falling for you, my heart you can take
but my eyes are wide shut and im dreaming awake

dedicated to my family

so like...

Seperately connected, distantly together
time goes by as we lose seconds of forever
second to none but last in my prescence
wishing for time from the past in my present
forgotten, remembered, forgotten once more
remembering close moments that happened before
feeling abandoned and cast off aside
embarrassed and ashamed of how much i've cried
missing a family, a place to call home
blinking and realizing you childhood is gone
a nap and i wake to see nothing around
pain so unreal i cant make a sound
search for fullfillment in unneeded things
chasing a dream and the hurt that it brings
so close to the stars that my hands are on fire
hope and a wish are taking me higher
but i slip and i fall and realize as i open the door
i'll always be remembered, forgotten, and remembered once more

creative license

so like...

my pen hits the paper but to no avail
i look around trapped in my own personal hell
too late to start and too early to quit
putting together pieces that don't fit
struggling to write down one more line
writing according to someone elses design
i can't be myself while trying to be you
doing pointless things that shouldn't be pursued
searching for an answer to a question undefined
trying to live a life to which i have not been assigned
tears blur my vision, anger clouds my judgement
wrongly accused of a crime i've not done yet
the abscence of freedom to just be myself
uninspired by those who are just chasing wealth
waiting for absolution searching for a cure
beliefs so strong that the world can't obscure
wait on the world to change or go down fighting?
i can only be me while my pen is still writing
when i run out of ink they wont give me more
unless i fight on their side of this cultural war
but before i do that i'd lay down my pen
close my eyes and pray that He forgives all my sins
ill give you my heart to read to them all
and hopefully you can stop this inevitable fall

the end

so like...

and thus ends the world as we knew it
giving up our goals and dreams to pursue it
the end of ideals, of morals, of freedom
people so lost that no one can lead them
recession, oppression, depression, and war
killing and dying, not knowing what for
turing to drones, just following orders
while children are homeless and begging for quarters
forgetting opinions and losing your voice
handing out boundaries while taking your choice
we sit on the sidelines and then wonder why
watching in horror with no tears to cry

broken promises

so like...

what do you do when everything is gray
and theres nothing left to motivate you through the day
when you realize you're wishing on a star that isn't there
and you realize no one is listening to your prayer
when you find out Superman is just Clark Kent
and Santa never read one letter that you sent
when you find out all your hero did was lie
and someone tells you reindeer can't really fly
when you figure out it was all just a show
and the ones that gave you knowledge really didnt know
when the apple of your eye is rotten to the core
and everytime you leave you reopen the same sore
to find out everyone else knew while you were unaware
while all the while you were wishing on a star that wasnt there

inspired by a broken heart

so like...

:"Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that they feel the same."

--but i know it will never be,

i've seen the things i could not see;

the one for him i could not be,

but who could want whats left of me;

my tears could overflow the sea,

i fear i have no destiny;

i know that God would not disagree,

that i loved you more than i did me;

now i've had to let you free,

and now my heart aches daily;

as i stand amongst the debris,

that once held hope for our life to be;

i pray and cry out on my knees,

although i know its not likely;

i pray you'll find your way back to me,

because you own my heart and hold the key

untitled

so like...

that sinking feeling that burns your soul

when a broken heart takes its toll

you're only half of what was whole

you pick your part and play that role

to give in to your hearts desire

to light the love we have on fire

to bask in that eternal flame

to feel something & you feel the same

but i find myself lost among my fears

drowning amongst my own tears

the pain i feel envelopes me

i relinquish my integrity

palm to palm & knees to ground

God, tell me my heart you've found

i fear i know i cannot take

the pain thats caused my heart to break

take me now so i can be

free from this eternally

i give up, i can't maintain

a hill of mud in constant rain

my lungs are burdened with this weight

on your rescue i will wait

bri

so like...

i'm insecure, i can be mean, i'm jealous

i'm not quick to trust, i'm sensitive

so sensitive

i have a wall lined with barbed wire around my heart

but if you can stick around & work through all that

i swear to God i'm worth it

__

because my heart grows more everyday

i can be sweeter than apple pie

i can be your lady and your best friend

i can be your diary under lock & key

i can make you laugh & brighten your day with my smile

the spirit of a child and the heart of a poet

i have a sincere soul that can heal the wounds i've caused

the lyrics of my heart match the melody of yours

my eyes can tell the story of my love ten times reborn

& once you win my love it will last forever more

my aching heart

so like....

my heart is burdened with the weight of life

it is heavy with broken promises, disappointments, & failures all my own

i want a love that is mine

all mine

a love that would give up the world and everything in it

for me

& i know at my best

i am worth it

writing is the only thing that temporarily soothes my soul

but unrest soon takes hold of me again

but all i know to do is write

so that's what i will do until my fingers cramp

my eyes begin to water

and my pen loses all its ink

nothing makes sense until i see it all on paper

my fingers hit these keys and my emotions leak from the tips

liquid prayers make the ink on my pages run until the words are unintelligible

how will the world ever know what i have to say

if i don't write

so i'll write & write

& write

&write...

beauty

so like....

he called her beautiful as if it were her name
he called it out loud until she came
& then he arrived
neither one of them had felt so alive
they felt a fire burning from within
he was joined at her hip as if he were her twin
& he called her beautiful like it was her name
there was love in every ounce of her & he felt the same
he gazed into her eyes so his soul could kiss hers
his feet were on the ground but he was flying with birds
he searched & searched for hours and brought her back the moon
but he first circled the stars to put them in tune
to sing to her the love he felt because
there was love in every ounce of him and she felt the same
he called her beauty because that was her name

society & image

morehouse vs. individuality

so like...

in an effort to uphold a traditional standard of what they believe to be a black man morehouse will be enforcing their dress code

a dress code that prevents one from wearing caps, du-rags, grills, and female clothing or accessories

the gay community has taken that last one personally and i can't say that i blame them

although i disagree with the whole thing i find that one in particular a bit discriminatory

one morehouse alum spoke of wearing female apparel as devaluing to ones education

he was apparently gay and believed they have to uphold the image of a strong black man because that is what morehouse is known for

now tell me

what exactly does a strong black man look like?

must he wear a suit?

have a certain haircut?

drive a certain car?

do any of these things determine his intelligence or capabilities to perform up to the standard of a strong black man?

why in our society do we place so much on a persons image?

should i not be judged by character and ethic?

why are tattoos and piercings frowned upon in a business setting?

we either have to lay our individuality aside or suffer with limited choices on our personal path to success

who can determine what the look of success or strength is?

this ignorance, discrimination, and stifling of expression is not restricted to morehouse

our society feels this way or otherwise this would not have been acceptable

a thirteen year old boy in cobb county was kicked out of school for dressing in female clothing and wearing wigs

he was only there three days hardly enough time to even see who he was as a person

for a country based upon freedom we sure are judgmental

i challenge the world to break the mold

and when they try to take away what makes you who you are

fight

society & relationships

young love vs. the world

so like...

why is it that when you're young and in love the world comes down on you

all you seem to get is negative feedback

people say don't get too caught up

which i completely understand because you still have your whole life

but why discourage it?

some people do find true love under the age of 21

why do you get to pass judgement?

a girl who spends "too much" time with her boyfriend is frowned upon

but if a husband spends too little time with his wife then he gets the negative reactions

a husband and wife are supposed to come first to each other right?

well what i don't get is why people think that one title completely changes the dynamics of a relationship

don't get me wrong

marriage is a sacred beautiful union and one of the greatest types of relationships on earth

but

why is it that a husband and wife can put each other first but the same standard does not hold up for couples?

why is it that only after marriage is a significant other considered family?

i don't know about the world but anyone i love is family

family comes first does it not?

but not when it comes to a relationship?

i'm lost......

i can't make my boyfriend a priority?

what if we're committed but not married..

does that make a difference?

hmmm i don't know...just random thoughts

why does the world care so much anyway..

go cure cancer or something..

society & race

love.

so like...

i was talking with some classmates today and the subject of interracial couples came up.

and one of the girls said she just didn't understand how a man raised by a black woman or around black women could prefer anything else...

the other girl said she thought white girls only dated black guys for superficial reasons...

like i don't know about you but love..real..legit love is selfish

it doesn't care about race, or ridicule

hate or struggle

judgement or anything......

love cares about itself so if the love is real

or whether it's not

who cares?

as black people i would think we would be sick of the labels

sick of being identified by our race

being defined by it

constantly...

but yet we're always ready to critique and stereotype when it comes to race..

before i am american

before i am black

before i am female

i am human

isn't that most important?